Freedom

When the dark cloud no longer lingers.

When it’s smoke no longer creeps over my left shoulder.

When my body no longer steps through weighted air.

When the fear of happiness leaving no longer disturbs it’s presence.

When I can see that I am good.

When I react with strength because I know I am strong.

When I move lightly.

When I can know my life is good and believe it.

When I sleep just because I’m tired.

When I wake because I’m rested.

When I no longer look at myself shamefully.

When I can feel, without a doubt that I love myself.

When I can stop hiding from the sight of my body and the mirror shows beauty and power.

When safety is within, not just found laying flat on the cold tiled floor.

When I can look my partner, my best friend in the eyes and say I love you without fear.

When the pain can move through me, not getting stuck in my hips, my back, my shoulders, my jaw, my chest.

When my hair no longer falls to the floor in piles that I sweep up.

When life no longer takes my breath away or makes my fingers tingle or my throat close, my body throb, or my stomach ache.

When I’m no longer afraid to go to the grocery store.

When I know that I am good.

When I know it was not my fault.

When I look forward and know my life is more than movement.

When pain isn’t paralysis.

When I can feel the hold of the past but it doesn’t hurt so much.

When I can trust all of myself and know that parts fit together to help me understand that fear is not who I am.

When healing is stronger than fearing.

Freedom.

Published by carolineclaramie

I am a 43 year old mom of three. I have been raising my kids by myself for nearly 10 years. They are and always will be my first priority, but this blog is about me. And you. My goal is to share to heal myself and in that process I hope to help others do the same.

6 thoughts on “Freedom

  1. This is a stunning, powerful litany, skillfully brought to life in the minds and hearts of its readers. I congratulate and thank you for your moving artistry.

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  2. When I sleep just because I’m tired.

    When I wake because I’m rested

    The whole poem speaks to me (I certainly know many of these things from personal experience) – but these two lines express when I knew I had moved a long way away from “the not so good place” – I have taken naps all my life, getting through the day was always exhausting, and I wondered why so many others did not find it so (not always bad, just…exhausting, the days, I mean). Anyway, after several years of events that shaked me up good, and getting past them – I never feel tired in the day. I feel tired at night. Because I do a lot of things, the right kind of tired. And I sleep great now. Who knew it could be?

    If you are writing this then you are getting there. (the “there” we want to get to and we know when we are “there”, that is what I mean, if any of this makes sense I will be somewhat surprised).

    Glad to see you again.

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      1. We know who we are, those of us on this same road. Don’t we? Well, it helps to have company along the way. That’s what I think. As for hope, eventually the episodes of survival just add up, and then…at least me …I realized, well, I’m actually doing better than just getting by, everything that happens seems to build up muscles, if I stop and think about it. Knowing I have made it this far, well, I decided to draw the conclusion from it that I am going to keep on making it.

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